A
defining period in my walk with Christ came among a spiritual war for my heart.
I had lost myself to the idol of acceptance. It became normal for me to allow
myself to make decisions based on what would keep the peace among friends,
family members and virtually any other person with whom I spent any significant
amount of time. I felt that was love. I felt it was love to make sure others
were happy, to support their decisions, and speak gently so as to protect their
feelings.
One
day as I prepared for work, I looked in the mirror to only painfully question
myself as to why I felt lifeless, why the sparkle was gone from my eyes and the
joy from my heart was no longer evident, and mostly why I felt shame and dread
to approach God in prayer. I felt like an empty shell as I looked at myself in
the mirror. The answer came all too easily in the form of a question, “Who am
I?”
Of
course I was a Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I was a
teacher, a colleague, a leader, and a host of other titles. But the pain came
as I rattled this list off in a small whisper, and not one of these titles had
any meat to it. None of them held any depth.
It
was heart breaking and scary at the same time. I had given myself away, and I
didn’t even realize it. In wanting acceptance from others, I had lost who I was
as a person. As I spent the next year finding who I was, I realized that this
wasn’t a new issue. It started when I was a young girl; a good girl who wanted
to please others. I was a girl who felt value when I received a compliment,
completed a task well, or organized items or a successful event. I was reminded
of so many times when I would go along with a friend’s emotional decision
because I didn’t want to upset anyone else. Rather than stand up for myself I said nothing. Even though in my heart I knew it was
unkind, it was just easier to keep the peace. On another occasion, I remember a
popular boy making a joke about the way I stood as we had a conversation. So
rather than tell him what I thought, I intentionally changed the way I stood
when I was around him.
I
had friends who I made myself available to for their every need, and I was so worried about pleasing them that I never noticed how unhealthy these one-sided friendships were. I gave more than I actually had to offer. Telling people "No" led to conflict, so it was just easier for me to give. I was keeping the peace.
On
and on I was reminded of little decisions that would later lead to larger
compromises ending in the empty shell that reflected at me in the mirror. I had
sold myself at a huge price… I no longer had an identity.
I
began counseling and on the very first day I shared my pain. And in his wisdom
the counselor asked me why I had given so much of myself to others. My
immediate response was, “Scripture says we need to be peacekeepers.” He frowned
for a moment, grabbed his Bible and read to me, “ Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.” (Matt. 5:9) He looked at me, smiled and said, “There is a
huge difference between peacekeepers and peacemakers. Peacemaking takes
courage, truth, and work. Peacekeepers try to fix things, avoid confrontation,
and make everyone happy at their own expense.” It became my goal to find
courage and boldness to stand up for myself and my beliefs. But herein lied
another problem, “What did I believe?”
As
I diligently searched God’s word, this verse came to my heart and has been my
driving force for decision-making ever since…
“It’s in Christ that we find out who we are
and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our
hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of
the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.” Ephesians
1:11-12
I now had to find out who Christ was if
my identity rested in him. I began to pray for a hunger for God’s word. I took
ideas that I had about Christ and compared them to the scripture. So many ideas
that I believed were just that, ideas. Ideas can change, they can be altered to
fit the circumstance, or make peace if needed.
But as I aligned them with Christ, they took on meaning and form. He is
real, a person, a friend, a counselor, a real man. He is steadfast and
unchanging. So the ideas transformed me as they moved from my head to my heart
as I talked with Him, counseled the ideas with Him, and allowed Him to work
them into truth. The scripture became who I was, rooted in my heart, and
solidified by the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I didn’t have to waiver
anymore when someone asked me a question, told or asked me to do something, or
made fun of me. Christ is my belief and He is unchanging. Therefore my beliefs
are unchanging and steadfast. My identity was secure and with this change came
boldness and Godly confidence.
Make no mistake, this was a painful
process! I went into depression, continued counseling, went deeper in Bible
Study, and even went on medication for a short time as this idol of acceptance
was torn down. It was by far the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. An
idol is evil. It takes everything from you and redefines your identity. You begin
to identify yourself with the idol without even realizing that it’s happening. An
idol is evil, therefore you begin to see yourself in the subtle identity as
something bad, broken or even worse- worthless. Regardless of the idol, it
behaves the same. It steals your God given identity and replaces it with a
whole host of evil-- selfishness, addiction, fear, anger, rudeness, pride, etc.
If today you view yourself as anything less than a holy, beautiful child of the
King, it is time to uncover your idol and expose it for what it really is.
It’s time to pray for the person of
God, in the form of the Holy Spirit to transform you into the child of God you
were made to be. The Holy Spirit is an actual person, not just an idea or a
drifting spirit, but rather a steadfast gift from God to guide and lead you.
Ask him to give you a hunger for the truth, a longing to taste and see that the
Lord is good, and a desire to tear down so you can rebuild!
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