Thursday, January 30, 2014

Unfamiliar Love - My struggle as a foster parent.


Ok, I am putting myself out there today.  I want you all to know my insecurities and I want you to know what I struggle with.  If I can help just one other foster parent or person overcome what I have experienced over the last year and a half then my suffering has been well worth it.  To God be the Glory!

My worst fear, before becoming a foster parent, was giving a child back.  In the last 16 months I have found a new worst fear, not bonding with a child.  I have been struggling for the last year and a half with a beautiful child who blesses my home every day with her sweet smile, her funny sense of humor and her amazing bravery.  I have celebrated 2 birthdays with her and played the role of tooth fairy.  I have taken her on vacation and signed her up for extracurricular activities.  I get to help her with homework and watch her grow up as one of my own.  Why on earth can’t I bond with her?  Why does it feel like I am just a baby sitter?  This is new territory for me and a place that I feel very uncomfortable.  I love children and I would have never guessed in a million years that this would be my problem.  

The real problem not being bonding and babysitting but satan playing on my questions and insecurities.  Satan took this question of mine and ran with it.  He made me feel that I was not loving her enough and I believed him!  But as I studied love and tried to gain a new perspective on biblical love I soon realized that love is not a feeling.  Love is action and it is putting someone else’s needs in front of my own.  Real love is wanting what’s best for someone and what’s best is not always what they want or what makes them happy in the moment.  Real love comes from God.  God is love (John 4:8).  While satan was chirping nasty things in my ear and I was beating myself up over my inability to bond, my God had something to teach me.  Yes, love is an action that in many ways can be very hard to do.  It is the giving of our time, helping when it’s inconvenient, giving when it hurts, not fighting back, disciplining when necessary, and saying no.  Biblical love is real love and it comes from the Holy Spirit within us.    

Dear children, let us stop saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions. It is by our actions that we know we are living in the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before the Lord, even if our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our thoughts, and he knows everything. 
1 John 3:18-20  


For my whole life I had never thought of love as an action.  Love has little to do with feelings and for the first time in my life I had to love a child unconditionally who wasn’t my own.  The only love for a child I had ever experienced in the past was the love I had for my own children.  Yes I loved my nieces and nephews but they were not mine to keep and very little did I ever have to discipline them.  Now I’m faced with a child who needs maternal love and care, including discipline, and I’m not her mom.  I was in unfamiliar territory.  I’ve  loved my children from the moment I laid eyes on them and I have a long history of rocking them to sleep, first smiles, and first words.  Loving my foster child, whom I had no idea how long she would be with me nor did I know what her future held, looked very different than the love I showed my own children........but was it?  I was responsible for making her feel like part of the family, I needed to make her feel secure and important.  She was in need of attention and someone to show affection.  There were so many things that needed addressed and I went to work trying to fix it all.  I pray with her and I carry on conversations with her.  I read with her and include her in the chores at home.  I discipline her and expect her to listen.  She is truly like one of my own.  Heck yes I love her!  I want her to be strong and brave for a future that is so uncertain.  I want her to be smart and make good choices.  I want her to know about God’s love, and to know that she is His princess.  Everything I want for my own children I want for her! Satan took my inexperience with this new kind of love and condemned me with it.  He tried telling me I didn’t love and that my faith was not real.  He played on my insecurities.  But the jerk didn’t win...... 

The truth is, I feel like a babysitter because that is what I am at the moment.   My foster child is not mine to have.  Bonding is different with many people and I most definitely have a bond with my foster child, it is just different than that with my own children. God has a bigger plan for her that may or may not include me.  I have to be patient and wait His plan out.  I have to trust that He knows better and more importantly I have to believe that He is loving through me.  I have struggled with this battle for over a year and it has brought me closer to God. It has taught me so much about love and showed me that there is way more to love than a warm fuzzy feeling.  I believe in who I am in Christ and I have put my heart into listening to His words and obeying Him.  I will not sit back anymore and doubt myself.  I will not let my conscience speak louder than God’s gentle yet powerful voice.  He knows my heart and I will leave the convicting up to him.  

My friend, if you are battling condemnation from satan I ask you now to free yourself.  There is no worse feeling than the one of satan whispering words to shame you and make you feel little.  He had me questioning the validity of my faith all because I was insecure and walking in new territory.  He found a way in and took advantage of me. Talk to someone about what you are experiencing.  Email us and we would be glad to help you!  Just do not spend another day feeling shame or guilt that is not from God.  God is loving and there is peace that comes from His conviction.  Satan will make you stew and worry.  God will gently nudge you toward the direction you need to go to fix your problem where satan will freeze you dead in your tracks and hold you hostage right there.  

In Jesus name, satan, you are not welcome near me, get out of my thoughts and quit lying to me!  My God is your God and I answer to only Him!  He is my teacher and my guide, you have no power over me nor will you hold me hostage here any longer.  Father God, I don’t want satan to have a stronghold on me for one more day.  I need you protect me from his lies while I find myself in You.  I praise your Holy Name for loving me and comforting me and using me.  I will carry out your work on earth until the day you bring me home.  I trust in who I am in You.  Thank you for giving me life and a reason to live!  Amen and Amen

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