I was feeding my baby lunch today. She was eating like a big girl absolutely loving her diced peaches and white cheddar pasta. As we sat there, I was slapped in the face with the hard reality that she was leaving very soon and I still have so much I want to watch her do. She has so many “firsts” yet to come and those teeth, I just want to stare at those big, awkward things finally making their home in her sweet little mouth. When she smiles her wrinkled nose and those teeth just brighten my day. Unfortunately this baby isn’t my own. This baby has a mommy and daddy who have been working hard lately at getting her back and the most difficult part of fostering is fast approaching. We get 3 whole days with her, sharing her with her parents, over the span of the next week and a half and then she will be gone, forever. No more first morning grins from a happy little girl peeping through the side of her bed after she has so proudly pulled herself up to her feet. No more little arms reaching out wanting to be held. No more butt scoots along the floor. No more snuggles and slobbery kisses as she buries her face into the recipient of her affection. No more sweet, melt your heart moments with my children who have unselfishly loved her and accepted her into our family.
My heart is breaking at the thought of watching her go, but at the same time I am so excited for her parents. Mine are very conflicting emotions and it’s almost impossible to explain. I have been praying for her parents since the day she joined our family, at 10 days old. I have been praying for them to know the love of the Lord and to accept Him as their Lord and Savior. I have been praying for her to have parents who love her and know the Lord, who will raise her in church and to know the Lord, as well. I have prayed for them to find a new life, one that through God’s strength and grace they could start over putting their past behind them and looking forward to a fresh start. All of which I see as a huge possibility in time. I do not doubt for a moment that their love for her is genuine and I trust that God will protect her in whatever situation she is in.
I read somewhere, not long ago, that God’s ability to protect my child in a horrible environment is way better than my ability to protect him or her in a good one. It stuck with me and from that moment I knew that I could never doubt His plan for her and that I had to find peace in His will. Through this journey I have experienced an amazing strength and a peace that truly surpasses my understanding. Yes, friends, that scripture is living and real!! This journey has brought my faith from knowing, in my mind, that God provides to really understanding and experiencing God's provision. I can sincerely and confidently say that I believe that everything offered to the people in the bible, including Jesus, is offered to me, as well. But today, as I begin to picture my life without this sweet baby jabbering and crawling all over my house, I am reminded of the pain that comes with fostering. The goodbye that we pray for yet, at the same time, try to ignore will ever happen. The thought of this goodbye makes me sad today. “His will be done”, something I have said a million times over. Something that I believe in with every fiber of my being. A simple phrase that gives me peace in this storm of raw emotion. My best friend reminded me today that God’s peace does not ignore reality. As I wanted to hide my true feelings or beat myself up for being sad, she so gently reminded me that just because I am sad doesn’t mean I don’t trust God. My sadness doesn’t even mean that I have lost my peace. It simply means I am sad. God accepts my real feelings and my pain and my sadness, not as a gesture of insecurity or doubt in Him, but because I am human and I have feelings and I am losing someone dear to me. Even Jesus, when he prayed in the garden, was overwhelmingly sad. His sadness did not negate his peace in God’s ability to have the best plan. Just like Jesus, I am sad as I face this loss. Just like Jesus, I want there to be some other plan, some other way to make this all better. Just like Jesus, I resort to trusting God and exclaiming, "not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42). Yes, friends my sadness is real but my strength and peace continue to lead me through this difficult time. God never promises that this life won't bring difficulty, but I am here to tell you He does make it possible to endure. When you truly believe, He will give you the strength to do the impossible. I am confident He will be with me every day, and holding me up on that last day I say goodbye to my precious angel. I can confidently say that I have no fear, a lot of sadness, but my peace is solid, and I trust in God's ultimate plan. Won't you trust God with everything. Step out of your comfort zone. Follow His uneasy calling on your life and see Him do wonderful things. Watch Him provide strength and peace you never knew existed!
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