Safe Right Where I Am

I saw my foster child yesterday for the first time in a very short month.  First of all, I can't believe I am saying a month.  Where did the time go?  God blessed me with a busy life during this time of grieving.  I say it that way because it was truly a gift to keep busy and not have to sit still every day thinking of her and missing her.  Have we missed her?  Absolutely.  Have I wondered like crazy how she was and if she was happy and well taken care of?  Who wouldn't.  But as I walked into that room and saw her for the first time I was reassured that God was in control.  She looked at me as if she should know me from somewhere and for a brief moment almost seemed as she wanted down to come and see me, but as soon as that feeling came she looked over to her daddy who was holding her and was reminded that she was safe and secure right where she was.  I was overcome with sadness and wanted to crawl in a hole, but I too had a Father I could look to, in that moment, and be reminded that I was safe right where I was.    

The purpose of my visit was to drop off the last of her things a few pairs of tiny socks that got lost in the couch and a picture book of the first year of her life.  I had no expectations and, in fact, didn't even count on seeing her during the visit.  My focus was on her parents.  I wanted them to know that even though their beautiful child brought us together our relationship didn't have to end.  I want to continue being a support for them and encourage then in this journey of parenthood.  God has shown me that by trusting Him and holding on when the going gets rough my spirit and attitude can be transformed.  All of the human emotions that go with having a foster child and then losing that child have come over me during this journey, but as I stayed focused on Him, He made it possible for me to overcome those feelings and to replace them with new, positive thoughts.  He made me a different person through this experience, a better person.  We all have difficult times and hard walks but when we let the Spirit control us we will grow from that experience and gain a deeper, more trusting relationship with God.  

Yesterday God gave me a gift.  He gave me closure and showed me how happy my foster child was.  He gave me good conversation with her parents and allowed me to see how much they love their little girl.  And as much as I wanted to squeeze her and kiss her all over, His Spirit held me back.  He kept me distant and focused on her parents.  A new journey in my future?  I certainly hope so, but for now I am content right where I am.  Even when I feel like crying or giving up, I can look up and see my Daddy holding me, reassuring me that I am safe right were I am.

Yet I always stay close to you, and you hold me by the hand.

Psalm 73:23